i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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