I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Sorry about my life...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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