If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
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I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
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I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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