tell your sister to shave her snatch
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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