I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
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I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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