he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
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Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
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My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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