So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
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I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
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We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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