...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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