saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize