"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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