Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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