I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
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You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
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I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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