The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Someone stole a lamp last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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