i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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