a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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