While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
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