I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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