nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
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She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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