no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
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He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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