Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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