Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
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You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
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The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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