I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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