I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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