theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
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My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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