if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
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We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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