I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
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He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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