How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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