I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize