hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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