I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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