the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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