You're a womanizer and a bitch.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
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let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
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I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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