Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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