Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
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She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
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First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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