that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
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I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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