I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
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I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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