I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
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The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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