Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize