Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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