i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
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Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
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She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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