Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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