Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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