I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
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I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize