I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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