My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
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Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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