It's like God shit irony all over that family
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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