I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He kissed a someone with a penis
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Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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