you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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