happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
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Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
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Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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