ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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